Pirates of the Academy

First Published: 4 April 2006

The end of the year marks the time to set sail and move to greener pastures. However, for many this time is marred and scarred by exams, papers, and other inconveniences. They will ponder - is the proverbial juice worth the squeeze?

When push comes to shove, many will answer in the negative and, in order to get done what needs to get done, they will consider "piracy," the act of copying someone else's work. Beyond its recent glorification by Natalie Portman on SNL ("When I was in Harvard…I cheated every test"), piracy is a mainstay of our world: In fact, it's "tradition" - the habit of doing what people before us have done.

Piracy is in our blood. From the first, we are taught sternly not to go against the grain or go out on a limb, lest the bough break. We are bred from birth, in the tradition of the gingerbread man, to be cookie-cutter conformists. We are taught to repeat blindly the teachings of Plato or Madonna.

Famously, our papers and exams are not required to display any original thinking. Indeed, it is preferred that submitted work be mundane, repetitive and imitate the ideas in the source material, so that markers will not have a tough time doing their jobs. Well, if it's control they want, give it to them: "CTRL+C" and "CTRL+V."

Let’s beat around this bush for a moment: Today's most popular form of television, "reality TV," is a rip-off of real life. Even our legal system, based on precedents, has us copy what people before us have decided to do. And people who consider themselves different by wearing clothes that are either "funky" or "grungy" are, just like everyone else, copying an already well-established look. Yes, of course, these arguments have been made before, but I'm not ashamed of using them myself.

Stealing isn't wrong; it's a right. Everything we are comes from elsewhere: We don't conceive of our own values, perceptions or notions, but we still call them our own. And why not re-use ideas - that would be environmentally friendly, after all. Let's be honest and call this spade exactly what it is: We are all pirates.

We're all on the same ship, so instead of acting as sour as green apples, let's revel in what we really are. Don't be a closet pirate: celebrate. Wear it on your sleeve; if you don't have one, take someone else's. Let's have a Pirate Pride Parade. Sure, the outfits would look almost exactly like those worn in the gay pride parade, but that sort of imitation only punctuates the core message of Pirate Pride. Montreal may very well be the perfect place for this sort of celebration-in addition to having loads of parade paraphernalia ripe for stealing, Quebeckers sound like pirates, anyway.

In the final analysis, piracy, as the act of imitating others, is not only acceptable; it is the norm. Originality is not considered to be that grand nowadays: For example, being anti-establishment (like the fare of most of my columns) is cool not because it's subversive, but because everybody's doing it. There is safety in copying the ways of our predecessors, says traditional wisdom: After all, if one does not change horses in midstream, then one is not forced to make the choice to sink or swim. So let's not waste time with originality - close your eyes, put on two eye-patches, do what you're told and go seek your treasure.

Speaking of booty - enjoy your summer. Arrrr.

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